& feelings

Socially Awkward

How can I get away.

I find these 'ugly' flowers to be beautiful. They look like they're in a state of decay. If these flowers had a FB profile, they probably wouldn't show this side of themselves.

It takes a person with a specific understanding of "social experiences" to see what Jerry Seinfeld is talking about in his Q&A with Mark Zuckerberg . I would love to meet more people who share the same feelings, but understandably, these people just want to be left alone.

Jerry Seinfeld: Your goal was to take the social experience and put it online.
Mark Zuckerburg: Mm hm.
J: My goal is to take the actual human social experience and get away from that.
M: Get away…?
J: Yea. To… I would like to eliminate the entire social experience.
M: Why? That sounds terrible.
J: Yea. Because I don’t feel comfortable.
(both laugh uncomfortably)
J: Stand up comedy is a way to interact with people in a completely anonymous way. Unconnected. You never meet any of these people. You never really..that’s the first virtual reality …is stand up comedy.
M: Interesting. So it seems that we have completely different reactions…
J: Completely. Yes.
M: …in dealing with our social insecurities.
J: Yea.
M: You project that…
J: How can I get away.
M: …and I try to get the world to socialize and come together.

It’s natural to be uncomfortable. Rather than getting over the awkwardness, Jerry celebrates how uncomfortable social experiences are. The whole Seinfeld series was about discomfort, a huge part of anyone’s life.

But also, I understand social interactions fall on a full spectrum between positive and negative. There are some relationships that will always be negative and there’s no need to make them positive. When I was younger, I thought I needed to be friends with everyone. I started out as a people pleaser, then I wanted to be understood…until I stopped caring.

Facebook seems to encourage the point of view that we should all be friends. As I get older, I just want to be who I am and I hope everyone else does their thing as well. Let’s go our opposite ways, I don't want to know about your life. We don't have to be friends.

It’s also ironic that FB promotes itself as an easy way to connect when it’s the insecurities, the things that get covered up in profiles, that connects people the most.


Meditative Cooking

How much heat does the recipe call for?

Last weekend was spent under this tree

I’m not sure if there is a meditative cookbook out there, but after last weekend, I’m become aware of how important heat is in cooking.

My husband and I only boiled water for ramen and oatmeal, but each time, we got to see how much wood is required to produce the heat for our food. It was fun to be more immersed in the cooking process, going to the forest and picking stems and then breaking stems to fit into the small stove.

After a weekend of cooking on our Solo Stove, our water pot turned black.
Music: 'Unrecognizable Now: 1' by Creative Commons.

While boiling water, we had to keep an eye on the fire, tending it and adding more wood when necessary. Heat is such an important part of any cooking process, I wonder why it’s never described as much.

Baking recipes include oven temperatures, but people’s ovens can vary in size, altitude and the heat dispersion. When following a stove top recipe, there’s only three modes, high, medium and low heat, no matter which stove your using.

I would like to follow a recipe that calls for the amount of fuel needed to generate the heat. "You’ll need 12 logs of oak, 4 logs of pine…"


Open Minded

A state of being that I cannot switch on.

Walked through an open field of wheat right before a summer storm

Being open minded isn’t a choice. I thought I was open minded in my twenties, but my mind really had no way of being more than it was.

At the time, "open minded" people supported lgbt rights and feminism. They voted democratic, were friends with people from different cultures and ate foreign cuisine. I checked all the boxes within the not-so-open definition.

There were plenty things I could have done better if I’d been open to more possibilities. But openness took time to develop. I had to go through many unanticipated situations and I had to meet so many closed minded people who were known for being open minded in order to broaden what I thought was possible.

Maybe I’ll have enough unanticipated experiences to get close to thinking that "anything is possible". But I’m not sure why people believe the mind can easily be switched to being more "open".


Opposite of Lost

Straying from any path.

If I were a plant, I'd be as gnarly and directionless as this one

“The only way to stay sane is to go a little crazy.”
― Susanna Kaysen, Girl, Interrupted

Also in the same vein are fliers by Nathaniel Russell.


Winter Blues

For once, I'm wishing for December.

Memories of a cool winter hike.

I am the fondest of winter in the middle of July. Occasionally, I visit a place under weather conditions that make the environment look spooky, as if I stepped into a horror movie.

On a December day in Denmark, I explored a forest that looked incredibly sinister. Surprisingly, the forest was calm and I didn't feel scared, which is something I'm easily prone to do.

It was an incredibly cold hike that morning. Today, it’s only 9 am and already I have to close the windows to keep the hot air from coming in.


Honestly Itself

No need to imitate the tendencies that are happening in the world market.

A distinct plant I found this weekend. Different from the surrounding.

Today, I came across an interview with a winemaker that reflects my current attitude.

"I fell deeply in love with Georgia when I heard a recording. I was 16 years old. I bought a CD called Georgian Folk Music Today and immediately the chords of the music just struck me very deeply."

"I went to Kakheti, which is the eastern part of Georgia where 90% of the country’s wine is made. 2006…I was painting in a vineyard. And it was a very hot, kinda dusty, late August day. And a man drove by in a tractor and called out to me. He said 'John, I know who you are, you don’t know who I am but you have to come to my house for dinner tonight.’"

"This man was Gela Patalishvili. He had a vision. That too many wines were leaving Georgia, that don’t speak Georgian. Georgia has 525 indigenous varieties and more than 8000 year old tradition of making wine in clay pots called qvevri."

"And really in Gela’s opinion, Georgia didn’t need to imitate the tendencies that were happening in the world market in wine. Georgia just needed to be honestly itself. An in that, someone would find value."

An interview with John Wurdeman at The Splendid Table.


Let's Not Work Hard

Unlearning the value of 'hard work.'

Not a brunch person who likes fighting crowds, just enjoy a simple breakfast

Chouinard: The hardest thing in the world is to simplify your life. It’s so easy to make it complex . . .

Tompkins: In response to people who say you can’t go back. Well, what happens when you get to the cliff? Do you take one step forward or do you make a 180 degree turn and take . . . one step forward? Which way are you going? Which is progress?

Chouinard: The solution might be to turn around and take a forward step.

In 180° South, this conversation between Yvon Chouinard, founder of Patagonia, and Doug Tompkins, founder of North Face and Esprit, questions what it means to work towards progress.

Where a step lands depends on where you’re currently located. Any point can be arguably better.

The leisure class of the late 19th century/early 20th demonstrates a style of hard work that contradicts the "hard work" of the lower classes. Leisure class work is described in Bettina Matthias’s book The Hotel As Setting in Early 20th Century German and Austrian Literature.

"they must flaunt their social status in order to be accepted among their peers and ideally, excel over their competitors"

"To spend as much time as possible away from home and work, and to pay lots of money for accommodation in a hotel where this idle time can then be wasted is another of the more effective ways to demonstrate one’s exemption from the world of labor and one’s belonging in the leisure class."

"fashion designers could achieve a very powerful effect if the garment was not only fashionable but made it practically impossible for its wearer to move, breathe, or engage in any sort of useful activity."

Have you ever been stuck in a never ending social engagement? Or an uncomfortable dress? Or in makeup that keeps smudging? It’s physically laborious.

"All of these are social interactions or need to performed in front of others. Hotels offered perfect stages for these performances with their various social places such as lobbies, bars, tea rooms, palm gardens, and music salons."

"all leisured activity is aimed at wasting energy and resources, to show the degree to which wealth has established a luxurious distance to the world. What is more, money itself has lost its magic as the great enabler, and only wasting it feels like a status-securing activity."

"activity must be totally useless and non productive. Logically, then, any pursuit that would serve a practical purpose was out of the question."

Funny how these non-productive activities was the productive element in maintaining position.

"Do you take one step forward or do you make a 180 degree turn and take . . . one step forward?"

I’ve felt pressure to "work hard" most of my life. Today’s definition of working hard involves studying hard in school and working longer hours at the office. But why should I succumb to the circumstantial definition of "hard work"? I can make sense of how "working hard" doesn’t make sense, but I still have a hard time feeling worthy if I don’t sit at the computer for at least 8 hours a day.



A poem I understand.

An evocative iris in the botanical garden

“Desire is the kind of thing that
eats you
leaves you starving.”

― Nayyirah Waheed, salt.


Space Magazine

An indie mag with pretty photos taken by famous photographers.

Restaurant Lumskebugten by Nikolaj Møller

Sophie Hicks by Brett Lloyd and Can Lis by Keld Helmer-Petersen

Can Lis by Keld Helmer-Petersen

These photos are part of larger stories published in Space Magazine.


Dreamy Isolation

Being careful for what I wish for.

While hiking this weekend, we came across a field, where there was this lonely tree. I hope to live in a place where there are open views like this.

"In some ways, Médoc is the anti-Provence, for better and worse—not a souvenir shop in sight, and sometimes, less conveniently, not even a loaf of bread. A peninsula detached from the rest of France, Médoc is unknown to many, even to many French. People have drunk the wine but never seen the châteaux. The locals happily go about their lives, enjoying their isolation from the rest of the world." - Mimi Thorisson, A Kitchen in France: a year of cooking in my farmhouse

I, too, want to be enjoying an "isolation from the rest of the world". Perhaps that’s why I’ve been thinking a lot about living outside the city. The more alluring it gets the higher my expectations are.

This weekend, I realized how far I might be from reality. My husband and I were circling different camp grounds to settle for the weekend. The first camp seemed okay, but it wasn’t what I imagined camping to be. I had an idea that we’d be in a secluded spot with a great view, away from everyone. Designated camp grounds were full of tents and RVs in addition to small rental cabins.

As we drove from one camp to the next, my expectations adjusted and we settled in a camp that had more space, great views, bathroom facilities and a bar. I did not expect the bathroom facilities and bar to be part of camping but they proved to be a huge part in making the weekend enjoyable.

That got me thinking about my dreams of living in the country. I will miss the facilities that a city provides, the countless restaurants, cafes, and bakeries. For once, I was able to see how much I take for granted.